over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
