i love accidental penises.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
