watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
