dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Drunk is not a location!
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
