Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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