i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Randomize
