i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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