I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
