Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
