Non-Jews are for practice
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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