I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
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You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
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