youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
