In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
