she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
