i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
