I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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