How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
