so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
