My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
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Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
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I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I could fuck to npr.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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