did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
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Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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