There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
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And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
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I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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