"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm passing your future prison.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
