I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
