OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
