Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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