Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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