He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
