If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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