I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
