he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
