Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
