so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
