You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
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Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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