in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
