You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
