i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
