In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
