I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
