My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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