Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
