Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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