You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
