Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize