it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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