I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
