Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
