how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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