Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
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