get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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