I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
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He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
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IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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