We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
