Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
