I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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