The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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