3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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