so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
