I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
