Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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