I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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