I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
